11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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