dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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