I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I AM VODKA MAN
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
