Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
This baby is an asshole
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
