just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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