I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
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we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
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I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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