I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
