So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
