I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
