We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
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do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
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What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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