Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
