the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
