yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
