My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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