JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
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His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
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Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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