Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
