Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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