i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
