Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
