I think my vagina is haunted
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
