i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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