You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
