He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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