return my video game
I could make wine with my vomit
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
