And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
