also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had me at "let me see your balls"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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