My sheets look like a crime scene.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
