I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
