Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
