I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
