Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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