so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
