I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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