I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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