the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just cropdusted the office
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
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