You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
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I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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