i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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