I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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