Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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