So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
