Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
