It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
