it was like his penis was on wheels.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Randomize
