Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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