she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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