Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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