I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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