We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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