does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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