I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
