If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
