I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
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I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
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Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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