That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
