I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
