He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
