OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
