I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
